CHANGE

My birthday was fine and nice. I liked Rocky's gifts. I'm wearing the Star Wars tie to a dinner party tonight. Plus, she bought me dinner! Rocky scores so many points. The others score one point for showing up. I should have ordered the whole fish special as I initially intended, but the sound of shrimp stuffed with crab wrapped in bacon got me. It sounds better than it tastes.

OH HELL YA!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST SAW MYSELF ON THE NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS AT THE 5 DE MAYO CELEBRATION IN SF WITH CLAUSEN HOUSE STUDENTS AND WE WERE IN ONE OF THE CAMERA SHOTS. I'M FAMOUS!!!! I'M ON CHANNEL 7 NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt Volla rolled the dice three times as a bday gift. He roled a 6 & 4 twice. The other time was two 3s. What does it mean? When he rolled the 6 & 4, the numbers were familiar from some part of my day. Then I remembered that it was from change I got back in some transaction and I said aloud "change". Okay. Change it is then. What should I change? I'm starting by reducing drastically the amount of pot I smoke and cutting cigarrettes out all together. I'm increasing excercise. I'm improving Spanish skills.

I'd like to change the way John's meaningless insults make me feel. It's always a bunch of bullshit and meant merely to amuse himself and not to actually hurt me. It adds up, though. When I come home feeling emotionally spent from giving all of myself away to people who endlessly need my attention and affection, even trivial, just-joking insults chip away at my already spent self and leave my sense of self worth a bit beaten up. Have I told John? yes. He says "okay, but don't listen to me. Think of it as another language that when translated means positive things." And, "You're too sensitive." I am what I am. And I've been in his shoes before. I used to tease my sister to amuse myself all the time. It always hurt her, but I always thought she was over reacting and being too sensitive. I was the one in the wrong. And now that person is John. There's no point in trying to get the guy to change, though. For one thing, he is constantly changing. One moment he is this and the next he is that. He is also everything at one time. Which is why he is so amazing. Besides, I don't believe in trying to make people change. We can only change ourselves. That is already an enormously difficult thing to do. How can we expect to make someone else change? We can only accept people as the individuals that they are and relate to them the best we can, make the best of the time we spend.

The other thing about CHANGE and the numbers 6 & 4 that I thought of last night is that 10 is a very stable solid and constant number. "Change is constant", I said to myself, "so no need to worry about the way things are or might be because things always change anyway".

okay. enough of that.

until next time